By Emilie Brannan
PROMPT — The way I see it ...
Here I am talking about how I feel instead of reflecting on my sister, whose life was taken way too early.
But I want to take a moment to think about grief, which I am sure a lot of people can relate to despite being the loneliest feeling in the world.
Being in the middle of a mourning period means only having half of your heart into everything you do. The other half is with your loved one. This is a feeling that feels like it will last forever. But nothing lasts forever.
But you see, this is the issue: The above statement is false. There is indeed one thing that does last forever. Death. Death lasts forever. I will never see you again. I want people to take something in mind when I say I will never see my sister again. Cut the bullshit and don’t say “but you will always have the memories and photos.” NO SHIT. In this situation, at least for me, I don’t want to hear “but” something. I cannot stand to hear a positive outcome. So please listen and agree but don’t look for solutions. There are no solutions here. Please, unless you can invent a time machine, do not come up with a solution. I know I need to go to therapy. Just say you will be there for me. Invite me to hang out with you. Come visit me. Call me. Actions speak louder than words, and this statement has never been truer right now.
I think some people go for the greatest number of distractions and others do the opposite. In my case, I tried to drown out my feelings and what happened by doing a lot of things. But none of these distractions take away what happened. They bring peace of mind for about a few seconds and then the horror settles back in once you read their name or look at a picture. The horror that is your life. Its easier to pretend that everything is okay, or to even forget them.
The contrast between the privilege that is your life with the permanent absence of your loved one is hard to balance. As the dark thoughts overbear all the positive things in your life. Anger but mostly sadness. I started to personify death and ask them, “why.” I started looking for a meaning. Those thoughts will probably settle down in the future, but the wishing you were here never will.
Emilie Brannan is passionate about the night sky. As a space engineer, Emilie started her career working with spacecraft operations. She is setting her sights on writing after the recent loss of her sister. Emilie writes from Darmstadt, Germany.
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